the dill pickle to your cheese ([info]madcaptenor) wrote,
@ 2006-05-06 21:56:00
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Current mood: nervous

What am I doing wrong today?

In my phone post earlier (listen to it) I mentioned that one of the kids who live in the house a few doors down from me yelled out "he-she!" earlier.

I took the trolley home tonight (from [info]anasai birthday dinner at Singapore Vegetarian, which has good Chinese vegetarian food), and I was already standing out somewhat because there were five of us and we were conversing about the sort of things your average 34 rider doesn't talk about, and as we were getting off the trolley someone asked me if I was a man or a woman.

That's two people today. The last time I remember anything like this happening was in August. Am I doing something wrong? I mean, on the one hand I try not to care, because it's just words -- but what if it starts to be more?


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[info]museumfreak
2006-05-07 02:02 am UTC (link)
*hugs* don't worry.

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-07 02:02 am UTC (link)
you know me, I worry about everything.

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[info]museumfreak
2006-05-07 02:12 am UTC (link)
yes, yes you do.
but i love you.

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-07 02:15 am UTC (link)
yes, but I want everyone to love me. not just you.

you know, because I'm lovable and all.

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[info]thaumata
2006-05-07 02:11 am UTC (link)
i don't know you well enough to answer that question, and those people didn't know you well enough to ask.


i wouldn't worry. people are morons, seriously.

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-07 02:11 am UTC (link)
people are morons, yes. unfortunately I live in a world with people, though.

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[info]thaumata
2006-05-07 02:15 am UTC (link)
well, lucky for us, they are amazing, too.


it just depends where you're standing.

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[info]summerrose
2006-05-07 02:28 am UTC (link)
Kids are weird. I've had kids call me 'he-she' or ask whether I'm male or female, and I'm femme and cisgendered.

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(Anonymous)
2006-05-07 02:30 am UTC (link)
As I see it there are two different responses here due. First, to the kid (assuming child) who lives next door, I think you need to just make eye contact and smile. Kids can sense an adults weakness and they will exploit it. If the kid thinks it bothers you that he called you a 'he-she' and he's a trouble maker, then he will torment you with it. If on the other hand he thinks it doesn't bother you he may stop saying it. After a while he will figure out you are a nice person.

With regard to the stranger (adult) on the bus, I would have insulted him back with something like "you mean you don't know" or "gee, I was going to ask you the same question".

-v-

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[info]lostreality
2006-05-07 03:10 am UTC (link)
the stranger might not have meant it as an insult...i mean, peopel are allowed to be curious, arn't they?

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(Anonymous)
2006-05-07 04:55 am UTC (link)
It is rude to ask a total stranger a personal question. This is not an issue of curiosity.

-v-

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[info]taxishoes
2006-05-07 05:39 pm UTC (link)
Yeah, it's rude, but people do ask out of genuine curiosity because it drives people nuts when they don't know what gender you are.

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[info]jessie_c
2006-05-07 10:41 pm UTC (link)
it drives people nuts when they don't know what gender you are.

That's their problem.

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[info]taxishoes
2006-05-08 01:45 am UTC (link)
Yeah, it is. They're just really good at making it your problem, too.

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-08 09:08 pm UTC (link)
I think he was curious, and didn't mean it as an insult. still, how would you like it if someone asked you the same question?

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[info]melsmarsh
2006-05-07 02:46 am UTC (link)
one of the kids who live in the house a few doors down from me yelled out "he-she!" earlier.

You get dolled up in the most high femme way you can (anything that would absolutely scream "woman") and you go down and report the misbehaviour to his mom in person.

as we were getting off the trolley someone asked me if I was a man or a woman

Your reply: "Are you this rude to everyone or am I just special?"

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-07 11:32 pm UTC (link)
unfortunately I didn't see which kid it was. He said it after I'd already walked past, and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging that he'd said anything.

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[info]jessie_c
2006-05-07 05:10 am UTC (link)
someone asked me if I was a man or a woman.

The only proper answer to this question is "Yes."

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[info]q10
2006-05-07 08:55 pm UTC (link)
excellent, if perhaps not universally useful, answer.

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[info]jessie_c
2006-05-07 10:38 pm UTC (link)
It's kind of like Microsoft technical support: Completely accurate but entirely useless in the circumstances.

Of course, it's exactly the kind of snappy answer an intrusive question like that deserves.

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[info]balmofgilead
2006-05-07 01:29 pm UTC (link)
Maybe it has to do with warm-weather clothing? Not that it's appropriate of people anyway, but that might be what the common denominator is (between now and last August).

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[info]ishshah
2006-05-07 01:49 pm UTC (link)
I was going to suggest the same thing. If you're wearing less clothing (ie more appropriate to warming weather) you attract more attention. The initial attention might be innocuous (as innocuous as people staring at a woman's bare flesh ever is) but it leads to sustained visual inspection, and then a greater chance of being read. I have been dreading this myself for the last couple months, and it has begun.

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-07 03:27 pm UTC (link)
I was thinking that, but there were plenty of warm days in September and April where nothing happened.

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[info]laureth
2006-05-07 03:13 pm UTC (link)
I have long hair and a decently huge chest and I still occasionally get "sirred." It's just people. They assume male sometimes as a default, even when there are female clues present. It confuses them, the poor things. :)

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[info]taxishoes
2006-05-07 05:42 pm UTC (link)
That is worrisome. But is there anything you can do?

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[info]badoingdoing
2006-05-07 07:56 pm UTC (link)
How much geographic variation is there in that kind of thing? Did it also happen in Cambridge?

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-07 08:08 pm UTC (link)
It didn't happen in Cambridge after the first couple months; it took me a little while to figure it out.

But it just so happens that I started presenting as female full-time on June 1, 2004; I left Cambridge nearly exactly a year later (and that was a very cold May). So the first few months (June, July, August) were also the warmest ones. So it's entirely possible that there are some weather-related issues there.

Still, from other people's experience as well as mine:
1) it's harder to pass in Cambridge than in most places, because people in Cambridge are more used to seeing gender-variant people and are more attuned to the subtleties thereof, and
2) passing isn't as important in Cambridge as it is in many other places. Sure, people might be more likely to read you in Cambridge, but they don't care as much.

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[info]q10
2006-05-07 08:54 pm UTC (link)
i don't know if this helps, but last night was the first time in years that i've felt that tempted to escalate an in-person verbal confrontation with a stranger.

from what i remember of that conversation, you were mainly just presenting as a geek - i don't think there was anything in particular going wrong.

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[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-07 09:16 pm UTC (link)
that does help a little, actually. knowing that last night was at least somewhat unusual really does help.

actually, I don't think it would have bothered me too much if it hadn't been the second time something like that had happened in a single day.

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the sort of things your average 34 rider doesn't talk about
[info]summerrose
2006-05-08 02:07 am UTC (link)
What sort of things? Like math?

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Re: the sort of things your average 34 rider doesn't talk about
[info]madcaptenor
2006-05-08 02:07 am UTC (link)
you know, I don't remember exactly what we were talking about. something vaguely geeky, though. my memory is fuzzy.

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